Friday, June 24, 2005

The furor surrounding the refusal to admit Oprah Winfrey and her longtime companion to Hermes in Paris after store hours has escalated to the next level. "Oh, it’s on," her spokesperson was quoted as saying. "What is ‘Hermes’ French for? ‘Ku Klux Klan’?"

Hermes, which is actually French for ‘Really, Really Rich People Only,’ turned the Winfrey party away when she tried to gain entry after the close of its business day. "There should be regular people store hours, and they should enforce those as strictly as they like, but there should be anytime hours for people like Oprah and her friends. All we want is fairness."

"It’s like a metaphor for race relations in the world today. There are the people inside the impossibly high-end luxury stores, and the massively powerful Black media moguls locked outside. Oprah is striking a blow here for all the other billionaire Black women without a voice in today’s society," said Gayle King, Oprah’s best pal, travelling companion, and most intimate confidante.

An initial statement released by Hermes said: "Hermes regrets not having been able to welcome Oprah Winfrey and the lady accompanying her to give them all the attention and service that Hermes is committed to giving each of its clients in the world.

"Hermes expresses its sincere regrets for any misunderstanding that these circumstances could have caused," it added.

Oprah has reportedly cancelled an order for a tractor trailer of Hermes toilet paper, and will go back to using hundred dollar bills.

Winfrey's show attracts about 30 million viewers each week, absolutely none of whom can afford a $4,000 scarf at Hermes or even properly pronounce the store’s name, and she is believed to have generated more money than Microsoft and the Catholic Church combined during the past year.

King, a witness to the incident, said it was one of the most humiliating moments of her life. "It was like something out of Mississippi Burning," she said.

"In some ways, it was worse than what Rosa Parks faced. At least Sister Rosa was welcome to move to the back of the bus. They wouldn’t even let us in the back of the store," King said. "Which would’ve been insulting enough, but at least that’s where they have the leather bangle bracelets. Have you seen them? They’re adorable. And only $800 apiece! They also have sterling silver bracelets for $1100, but that would be too painful a reminder of our history as slaves."

A spokesman for the 91-year old Rosa Parks declined to make any statement that didn’t liken Gayle King to a deluded imbecile.

The spokeswoman said Winfrey came to the store 15 minutes after closing and a security guard informed her the store was closed, giving her a card telling her she could come back the next day. Surveillance videotape of the encounter supports the store's account, according to the spokeswoman. Gayle King said the security film in question was the most racist footage since ‘Birth of a Nation.’

Winfrey's friend Ms. King said the TV presenter has no intention of shopping at Hermes again.

"Her position is 'I will shop where people appreciate my business, and allow my friends and myself to fire handguns at the sales staff’s feet to make them dance. I don't believe that any longer includes Hermes'."

Oprah called Robert Chavez, the President of Hermes North America, and asked him why he hated Black people. "To add insult to injury, he refused to even acknowledge the extreme racist philosophy of his company," said King. "If I know Oprah, and judging by the fact we have each other’s smells on our breath and fingers I’d say I do, she’s about to smear Camembert all over these French Crackers."

A subsequent statement from the store explained, with a small hint of exasperation, "Hermes has determined which store director was responsible for the decision to adhere to established store hours, and dealt with him appropriately. We follow our own disciplinary procedures, however, and therefore we could not honor her request to hang him upside-down from a meat hook placed in his rectum, to have his son’s hands fed into a garbage disposal, and to sell his wife and daughters into prostitution in a Bangkok whorehouse. We regret falling short on the requirements outlined by Ms. Winfrey."

Oprah is contemplating buying Hermes so that she can fire everyone, buying all of their homes so she can throw them into the street, and buying all of their children’s schools so that she can have them expelled. If these measures fail to soothe her indignity, she may purchase Paris so that she can burn it to the ground, watching the blaze from high atop the Eiffel Tower with galpals Alfre Woodard and Imelda Marcos. She is also considering introducing a Human Rights Condemnation against France at the UN. If she cannot get the Condemnation presented to the General Assembly, she is prepared to purchase the UN and turn it into a jazzercise studio to be run by her permanent fiancée, Steadman Graham.

The most recent Hermes statement said, somewhat tersely, "Hermes deeply regrets its failure to fully appreciate Ms. Winfrey’s awesome sense of herself. We are of course prepared to pay with our lives. As someone living in an alternate reality known as the real world, where the sun and stars have the audacity to not revolve around Ms. Winfrey , I can only say that if this is among her ‘most humiliating moments’ then she has led a remarkably humiliation-free life, and if we peeled back the insulation within which she has lived it even for a brief moment, we pray our Lord in Heaven will find the mercy to forgive us, even if Oprah and her lesbian sycophant will not."

Ms. Winfrey reportedly has a call into God to make sure this doesn’t happen.

61 Comments:

Blogger The Letter D said...

Taking on Ann Coulter and Tom Cruise is one thing, but do you really want to mix it up with Oprah empire? She has a list of victims a mile long.

By the way, Is "travelling companion" a job description or euphemism?

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11:07 PM  
Blogger dolphan41271 said...

I hope this arrogant bitch gets stomach cancer and dies a slow painful death.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

FUCK OPRAH.

And FUCK "High-End French Boutiques."

8:51 AM  
Blogger Lane Bryant said...

Ann Coulter. Tom Cruise. Now Oprah? Please tell me that Sean Hannity and his affinty for a Ruth Cris steak is next. Love your work!

11:43 AM  
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Blogger The Snakehead said...

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10:02 PM  
Blogger Ken Trey said...

I would think it is very hard to come up with something interesting or amusing when you are writing about this bitch....Bye the way,could you give me advise with my Piazza blogs?

6:15 AM  
Blogger mistayu said...

amazing....really, the nerve of that bitch thinking hermes should stay open after hours for her just because she is the fourth person of the "trinity"!!

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/143/story_14315_1.html

4:06 PM  
Blogger Misfit Hausfrau said...

I think I just peed my pants.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Brilliant!

3:42 PM  
Blogger Huckle Cat said...

Love it!

4:07 PM  
Blogger www.tobyweiss.com said...

Here's another 2 cents worth:
http://tobymelt.blogspot.com/2005/06/don-oprah.html

4:13 PM  
Blogger Vermont Neighbor said...

YES, Oprah is outrageous. She's been outrageous for some time.

Her followers? These women aren't going anywhere, except maybe the grocery store. They wonder what they should think, what they should read. And Oprah comes along to fill the void. Between their ears.

Another clever thing Oprah does when she wants to build a new wing on the mansion, or add a fleet of dumbwaiters to the Chicago penthouse is "the Tour". Oprah conducts essentially what are housewife tours, where the theme plays around the word Best. Be Your Best Self Ever! Your Best Self Now. You're The Best Ever.

They charge $50 per head and add some up-and-coming guru who Ope is grooming for a weekly slot on the show. They serve Pepperidge Farm cookies and Oprah koolaid in little paper cups, and they make millionz while that star power transcends to the masses. Then it's back to the Dodge mini-van in the hotel parking lot where the celery and ice cream are making a mess in the back seat. You feel oddly invigorated. You are ready to be your best self. All worthless, dumpy 225 pounds of you.

Oprah, the P.T. Barnum of our times.

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Blogger geoff said...

U fucked Oprah in the ass, hard!

3:49 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Oprah bitching about Hermes is about as intriguing and meaningful as Brad Pitt protesting poverty.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Yvonne said...

The. store. was. closed. They. were. hosting. a. special. event. to. which. she. was. not. invited.

And, to top it off, she was keeping CP time, arriving 15 minutes after they'd locked the doors. How is it racist because they didn't let her in? Well, duh, it isn't!

Folk like O! trot out the racist term only when they don't get their way. This is a major reason why, when real racism happens to everyday people who are black, Latino, Asian, but not the billionaire that is O!, the person isn't taken seriously. Trust me when I tell you, EEOC is now a joke.

She. makes. me. sick. And she's made me sick for a long time. I liked her better when she had the Mrs. Butterworth thing going, although she always gave out TMI.

The cult of O! is a dreadful thing.

FYI, I am black and the proud owner of an Hermes scarf. And in case anyone's feeling generous, I'd love to own that Hermes bag that M Diddy was carrying during her trial....

4:00 PM  
Blogger iloveyourbrand said...

I know this boutique well. They always let the ethnic crowd in. People you must remember France is in Europe and the doors are much smaller there. It's not that they wouldnt let Oprah in, she just merely couldnt fit.

3:02 PM  
Blogger Ole said...

God, some of you people take satire a little too seriously. Jesus. You really don't have much irony over there, do you?

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Blogger Parker Gerkin said...

My girlfriend was getting her nails done and Oprah was there. She said she had cornrows and lots of grey hair.

God bless you sir of awesome writing skills.

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Blogger Tiffany said...

She makes me sick. The freaking store was CLOSED b*&ch. Just because you're Oprah doesn't mean we have to reopen stores for you. It was CLOSED. You were LATE. And then she tries to turn it into a racial issue?
Is there any wonder why racism exists STILL or why it's proliferating? It's because when people like Oprah act like a spoiled little brat, they immediately say they were discriminated against because of their race. This makes the people accused of being racists actually become racists because they are so incensed at the injustice, arrogance, and bitchiness behind those words they can't help it. Disgusting.

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Blogger June Bondy said...

Oprah ,

Come on, let's be real! The story of being refused entry into a store at closing time is not about race. What upset you is money and power did not get you into the store! I am a white female and have been left either waiting for a store to open or got there to late. I never felt is was because I was a female that they didn't allow me in, THE STORE WAS CLOSED!!!
I watch your show daily and enjoy it but it's time you admit your not considered regular people nor do you expect to be treated that way.
As for Gayle to wave a flag and say differntly I wouldn't expect anything less since she knows who to thank for her lifestyle!
Please , I know if I was the one outside the store I would have been waiting till morning !
Of course that would never happen since I could not aford to go to Paris or anything in that store !!
With that said , I do want to thank for all the good you do for a lot of people and the information you share.

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Blogger claudine said...

hermes is a french store and we all know (the french)how we are loved by the american media and the american people did you hear of FRENCH BASHING? so it was an other example to blame the french

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Blogger Miz Kizzle said...

Oprah is a lying rhino rectum. Read the Kitty Kelly bio to see how she scammed and schemed her fat ass self to the top.

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Blogger becker said...

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Blogger JusticeLove said...

Wow. This is slander, not satire, because your readers do not apparently know the difference.

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Blogger JusticeLove said...

Wow. This is slander, not satire, because your readers do not apparently know the difference.

6:26 AM  
Blogger DruAnne Laura said...

Have you seen them? They’re adorable. And only $800 apiece! They also have sterling silver bracelets for $1100, but that would be too painful a reminder of our history as slaves."

Gimme a break. How do Oprah & Gayle think they were born in America. Slavery of course.

9:29 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fashionista said...

You are all jealous, Oprah makes more money than any generation of your families could make in a century. Hermes is all about exclusivity and branding, but when someone of Oprah's status, which are far and in between, asks to shop and buy $15,000 handbags, I say, why sure, come on in. Runway show or not, it was blatant racism, no matter how you look at it. Granted, Oprah should not have been so public about it, just don;t patronize Hermes. Oprah and Hermes are not vanishing anytime soon.

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6:02 AM  
Blogger casa en venta said...

OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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OBAMA HUMAN ASESINATION AND VIOLATIONS FABIOLA LEON CASE.

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6:02 AM  
Blogger Addison Conroy said...

To delve deeply into High end jewelry is an exciting adventure. Many an afternoon has been enjoyed by a family, bonding over the discussion of High end jewelry. Cited by many as the single most important influence on postmodern micro eco compartmentalize, it is impossible to overestimate its impact on modern thought. Crossing many cultural barriers it still draws remarks such as 'I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole' and 'i'd rather eat wasps' from so called 'babies', whom I can say no more about due to legal restrictions. Relax, sit back and gasp as I display the rich tapestries of High end jewelry.

10:28 PM  

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